:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
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