it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
