Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
