I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
