the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Walk of Shame today included voting.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
