I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
