I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
then he tried to convert me to islam
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize