Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
