she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
