Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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