mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
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