Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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