Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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