Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize