How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
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