five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
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