I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
