I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
