If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
