mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
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