I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
