I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
