do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
