I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
