he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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