I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Randomize
