dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Randomize