I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Randomize
