I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I deserve this hangover.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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