I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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