Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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