What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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