3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
