break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
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