If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
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