My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
