Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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