Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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