Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
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