Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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