I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Randomize
