I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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