I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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