Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
