Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I'm sobbing to NWA
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
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