So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize