remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Randomize
