Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
