Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
