someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
