so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
