I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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