If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize