Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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