Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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