I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
please come you make the beer taste better
is wine microwaveable?
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
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