Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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