Rock
Scissors
Fuck
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Randomize
