Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
