While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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